Father’s Day is right around the corner which means sales in Fossil wallets, Dilbert ties, and Aqua Velva go up. This year, be one of the cool kids, and have a look at my official guide.

7.Mug Boss

Nothing says, “Swiss Army Knife to the eye and Double AA’s in my throat” like this mug utility belt that can carry all your papi’s crap.

6. Control Your Woman Remote

With great liners like, “Zip it.” and “Clean up on aisle four.”, this remote would surely be a hit with the man’s significant other. You could even say that you’d be a humanitarian of sorts.

5. The Daddle

It doesn’t get much creepier than this, folks. Perhaps you never got to indulge in “horsie” as a child or may have a personal vendetta with your golf buddy, either way, The Daddle is here to extinguish your concerns. Knee Pads, IcyHot, and self-worth optional.

4. Bill Cosby-worn sweaters from The Cosby Show

From June 2-12, with a starting bid of $5000 on eBay, hipsters and sadomasochists can bid on one of these intergalactic cable-knit beauties of centrifugal color worn by Dr. Cliff Huxtable himself. So, it may not be a “gadget” but the volume on these babies set to 194 dB meets qualifications.

(Since we’re already here, Olivia was a b****. Had to be said.)

3. Bean Art

Things you’ll need: Uncooked beans, construction paper, glue,  a steady hand, and a keen eye for artistic representation.

Steps:

1. Steal your roommate’s unopened bag of beans

2. Pre-plan and lay out your creation on a sheet of your roommate’s construction paper

3. Using your roommate’s glue, begin to individually glue each bean down onto the page

4. Bask in the glory of your creation and lie about how you attained your supplies

Steve Jobs & Bill Gates: A Study in Beans (You’re welcome, Dad!)

2. Beamz Music Performance System

Must-See Video:

You, too, can be breaking laser beams with your melanin-deficient greasy sausages to create soothing MIDI jam sessions with the rest of your douche baggy friends. Or perhaps a quiet reverie is more your speed? Either way, the beamz informercial is quite possibly the greatest thing created since the high-five exchange at 0:04. I wonder if they take bulk orders?

1. Inflatable Pub

For the Alcoholic-Dad-On-The-Go: Instant Backyard Pub. Permits Shmermits.

Dart-playing wouldn’t be advisable and the inflatable toilets may be messier than usual (Am I right? am I right?? Ahh, you don’t care.), but it would still set hearts a-flutter of many.