As you’ve probably noticed, GEN has started a series of weekly features. So, with that said, I present my weekly feature: Patent Pending Thursday. Every Thursday, I’ll highlight both ridiculous and interesting patents filed with The United States Patent and Trademark Office.

The USPTO receives patent applications at a rate of over 350,000 per year and has issued over 7 million patents. Needless to say, a lot of them are just plain absurd.

1. Animal Ear Protector (Patent #4233942)

This invention provides a device for protecting the ears of animals, especially long-haired dogs, from becoming soiled by the animal’s food while the animal is eating.

Do you realize how much your dog would hate your ever living guts if you subjected him to this social suicide? Might as well slit his wrists while you’re at it and call it a day. Although, the diagram dog is looking a little too smug about protecting his ears. He’s what other dogs would refer to as, “THAT guy”.

2. Apparatus For Facilitating The Birth of a Child By Centrifugal Force (Patent #3216423 )

In the case of a woman who has a fully developed muscular system and has had ample physical exertion all through the pregnancy, as is common with all more primitive peoples, nature provides all the necessary equipment and power to have a quick and normal delivery. This is not the case, however, with more civilized women who often do not have the opportunity to develop the necessary muscles in confinement. It is the primary purpose of the present invention to provide an apparatus which will assist the under-equipped woman.

Seeing as how this patent was filed back in 1962, I see how being in confinement was all the rage back then. But, I’m willing to bet that ‘Clare in 1962′ would still prefer to not give birth on a Tilt-a-Whirl.

3. Toe Puppets (Patent #5830035)

A puppet is adapted to be mounted on a single human digit for providing animated motion of a figurine responsive to movement of the single human digit.

Wow. Well, I’ve tried to muster up some possible uses for this. But, alas, there’s none. Not unless you want to reenact movie scenes in the bathtub. “Never let go, Jack. Never let go” *cue sinking DiCaprio toe. Although, I’m pretty curious as to why the heel got a diagram number. Was it feeling left out as the toes flaunted their toe puppet jubilee of unadulterated fun? On second thought, who do I have to see about getting invited to this fiesta?

4. Self Containing Enclosure For Protection From Killer Bees (Patent #5571247)

A self containing enclosure for protection from killer bees comprising an enclosure formed of a flexible transparent plastic material selected from the class of plastic materials.

From the looks of the diagram, this unassuming self containing enclosure is more of a death trap constructed by what you’re trying to protect yourself from. As you can clearly see, the bees obviously lined up to create the shape of a boy in order to fool us into a state of false security. Those sneaky bastards get craftier by the season.