Every Thursday, I highlight both ridiculous and interesting patents filed with The United States Patent and Trademark Office. Check out the latest installment.
1. Device For The Treatment Of Hiccups (Patent #7062320)
A device for the treatment of hiccups, and more specifically, to a method and apparatus for the treatment of hiccups involving galvanic stimulation of the Superficial Phrenetic and Vagus nerves using an electric current.
So, what we have here is a metallic container that both shocks the lips and facial skin in the temple region to cure hiccups. Oh, and there’s conductive water involved? What could possibly go wrong? Perhaps the famous “hiccup girl” should take it for a test run and let us know how it turned out. Sure, it may cause involuntary bowel movements and infertility but, hey, it’s a fair trade if she wants a normal life.
2. Beerbrella (Patent #6637447)
The present invention provides a small umbrella (“Beerbrella”) which may be removably attached to a beverage container in order to shade the beverage container from the direct rays of the sun.
Aw. This one just looks cute. Until you start looking past that Sears Family Portrait diagram and envision the possible catastrophes that could ensue. I see bar-b-q’s going horribly wrong. Strong winds turning guests’ Beerbrellas inside out. Drunken Beerbrella eye-pokings. Rogue Beerbrellas holding onto perfectly good bottles of beer while blowing away in a gust of wind. (Just forget about it, there’s no catching up to that. Ever.) Attaching six Beerbrellas to both arms (three on each - not that I pondered it) and drunkenly jumping off the party host’s roof flapping both arms in hopes of flight. No, there’s no place in our society for the Beerbrella.
3. Bird Diaper (Patent #5934226)
A bird diaper for an uncaged pet bird to wear, featuring an enclosed pouch for receiving and containing excrement, and apertures to accommodate both the wings and the tail of the bird. Elastic straps and hook and loop fastener components (e.g., VELCRO) secure the diaper onto the body of the pet bird without restricting movement. The bird diaper is fabricated from spandex (e.g., LYCRA) or another stretchable, lightweight material, allowing absorption of bird excrement to prevent leaks and facilitating easy cleaning using soap and water.
It’s a bird Saran Wrapped in a spandex diaper on a restraint. So, this is what Gene Simmons must feel like. Captain Patent Illustrator should try drawing the bird in a state of terror, rather than this highly unrealistic look of self-content. I can’t imagine gearing up your fine feathered friend without some appendage blood being shed either. Furthermore, do birds get diaper rash? How do you treat it? And who is so afraid of touching newspaper cage liners that they’d rather subject their pet to a life of ridicule?
But, wait…..
What if three bad ideas are combined? Do they cancel each other out? Yes, yes they do. We get pure GENIUS!
Nowww we’re talkin’…
4. Method Of Preserving The Dead (Patent #748284)
This invention relates to certain new and useful improvements in methods of preserving the dead; and it has for its object the provision of a means whereby a corpse may be hermetically incased within a block of transparent glass, whereby being effectually excluded from the air the corpse will be maintained for an indefinite period in a perfect and life-like condition, so that it will be prevented from decay and will at all times present a life-like appearance.
So, once a body is preserved indefinitely in a life-like condition, where do you store it? In the living room next to your collection of stuffed “Scaredy Cats”? And why is this man posed like he’s waiting for the bus? I’d want to be preserved reenacting bad-ass movie death scenes. Hell, bring in another person into my death cube. We could do the “getting tricked into drinking from a false Holy Grail cup” scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade or the beating-heart human sacrifice in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. You know, scenes the kids would enjoy and are relevant to upcoming movies.
February 21st, 2008 at 1:51 am
Haha, those are kickass! I’ll have to order at least ten of each:)
February 21st, 2008 at 7:55 am
Beerbrella? Pure genius.
February 21st, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Hmm, I could use a beerbrella in my life.
February 21st, 2008 at 3:05 pm
So, really the only viable invention here is Clare’s birdie death-harness?
…love the correctly worried look he has!
February 21st, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Im a big fan of the birdie death harness. When will this go into production?
February 22nd, 2008 at 1:34 am
the preserving the dead box is not getting the respect it deserves in this comment section. shame on you commenter’s..shame
February 22nd, 2008 at 2:19 am
I’d like to see more innovations in animal/creature diapers. Lets face it, how cool would a spider diaper be? .. All the little holes for the legs, awww.
And man, if my head ever dies, I’m gettin’ that bad boy frozen in a cube just like that. Don’t think I could afford the fully postured body freeze though. BUT IF I COULD! - It would have to be in the posture of sheer TERROR.
I bet you come out all wet and gumpy afterwards too.
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:55 am
:O
with the beerbrella.. I mean.. can’t you just set it under something that is going to shade it? Funny xD
Mmmmm… beer. A Guinness from tap sounds really good about later this evening.
February 26th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Spider diapers, huh? Pass!